There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,

伍迪艾倫在他的著作《門薩的娼妓》中曾做了這樣的設(shè)想，他專為高智商的知識(shí)分子們設(shè)計(jì)了一種娼妓服務(wù)。這些娼妓擁有高深的文學(xué)造詣，能夠?yàn)椤伴T薩們”提供精神交歡的需求。他們可以暢談學(xué)術(shù)，可以聊一聊象征主義，甚至可以將梅爾維爾和霍桑上升到比較文學(xué)的范疇，以補(bǔ)償他們在享受男女肉體歡樂中所缺失的精神交流。這是伍迪艾倫的美好愿望：一種精神和肉體雙重享受的男女關(guān)系新模式。

      知識(shí)分子總是在尋找著一種性靈契合的愛情。但是徘徊之后才恍然發(fā)現(xiàn)，完美的愛情根本不存在，男女關(guān)系總是非理性、瘋狂甚至是荒謬的。但是“就像雞需要雞蛋一樣，人們還是需要這一切”。伍迪艾倫可不接受好萊塢的空洞華麗，他可能是這個(gè)世界上為數(shù)不多的堅(jiān)定的懷疑論者之一。或者就如電影中安妮說的那樣：不信任這個(gè)世界，看什么都像是有陰謀。

      伍迪艾倫本人和片子中的埃爾維如出一轍。這也是一部被稱為他半自傳式的電影。埃爾維就是這樣的一個(gè)人：猶太人、喜劇演員，喋喋不休的完美主義者、懷疑論者，有過兩次失敗的婚姻。電影的主線落在他的第三段愛情上，那是關(guān)于安妮霍爾的故事。

      安妮這樣的女人確實(shí)有魅力。埃爾維與她初次相識(shí)是在網(wǎng)球場上。她是那種能把禮帽、領(lǐng)帶、夾克和襯衫穿出時(shí)尚的女人。緊張的時(shí)候會(huì)爆出有趣的調(diào)子。他們一見鐘情，但埃爾維有他知識(shí)分子的古怪習(xí)性，希望安妮與他在肉體的親密之外有更過精神世界的交流。于是他成為了安妮的精神導(dǎo)師，在它們的關(guān)系中因?yàn)樗麄儗?dǎo)向性的優(yōu)勢，他牢牢地握著安妮以及重新塑造她的樂趣。而她為他的見地而傾倒，她愿意隨他的意志去完善其身。

      只是，愛情由濃轉(zhuǎn)淡是多么容易的事，和茶由熱轉(zhuǎn)涼一樣是在一瞬間，即使埃爾維也清楚地知道“愛本來就是一個(gè)太柔弱的詞匯”。他們漸漸對彼此不滿，生活中充斥著爭論。安妮在完善自我中，得到了許多埃爾維也始料未及的收獲。她與她在大學(xué)旁聽的文學(xué)課程的教室親密起來，她的唱歌事業(yè)也有了起色，世界也變得豐富起來。她變得有想法、有觀點(diǎn)，而埃爾維糾結(jié)于他給予的指引帶來了安妮所擁有的一切。他們爭吵，最終分開。其實(shí)，他們自己和我們?nèi)魏稳艘粯佣记宄孛髁恕皭蹠?huì)消退”的道理。

     這是一次對愛情的檢索，在它最想要達(dá)到的那個(gè)境界中，它失敗了。如伍迪艾倫說的：它是那種以爭吵不休、相互怨恨、變得尖刻而告終的分手----它是以兩人之間形成了美好而溫暖的朋友關(guān)系而告終的。那或許也算是某種形式的補(bǔ)償。在人們興致勃勃于占據(jù)絕對主導(dǎo)的美好愛情故事面前，伍迪艾倫的電影拋出的是毫不留情的剖析，沒有完美的假象，只有生活的真實(shí)。他的觀點(diǎn)里或許是沒有愛情這種東西的存在，或者，愛情本來就是一瞬間的，從不長久存在。這個(gè)堅(jiān)定的懷疑論者只信任性和死亡。如果三分之二的婚姻是慣性的使然，只有余下的三分之一是愛情，那么我們都還走在尋覓的途中，就像“大多數(shù)人都需要雞蛋”一樣。

當(dāng)我們評價(jià)一部影片是否足夠伍迪·艾倫的時(shí)候，注重的往往是影片中演員的“語速”以及話語中透露出的，與影片主要結(jié)構(gòu)無關(guān)的信息量的多少，譬如《安妮·霍爾》之前的作品《愛與死》以及近幾年的《怎樣都行》。在我們看完這樣的影片，最直觀的感覺是：“我靠，這個(gè)老頭真他媽的絮絮叨叨！”?！栋材荨せ魻枴芬廊谎匾u了這種風(fēng)格，但是當(dāng)這樣的風(fēng)格嘗試與影片中的愛情元素相互作用的時(shí)候，便產(chǎn)生了貫穿影片的伍迪·艾倫式的愛情矛盾。

 

影片的開頭是伍迪·艾倫飾演的艾維用一種脫口秀的方式講了兩個(gè)笑話，其中一個(gè)是他對于生活的態(tài)度，笑話是這樣講的：兩位老婦人去卡茲基爾山旅游，其中一個(gè)說：“這地方的食物可真夠糟的”另一個(gè)說：“可不是嘛，給的分量又那么少”；另一個(gè)是他近段時(shí)間對于愛情的態(tài)度：我永遠(yuǎn)也不想加入這樣的俱樂部，它的會(huì)員是像我這樣的人。在沒有依據(jù)的說完這兩個(gè)以矛盾為噱頭的笑話之后，艾維說他與安妮分手了。

 

伍迪·艾倫并沒有急的講述艾維與安妮的愛情故事，而是駁費(fèi)心機(jī)的對艾維進(jìn)行最初的人物設(shè)定，分別利用了艾維兒時(shí)對于宇宙膨脹的困惑，6歲時(shí)親吻女生的經(jīng)歷以及成為喜劇演員后的母親的數(shù)落三個(gè)記憶片段。觀眾對于艾維最初的認(rèn)識(shí)是悲觀，對于世界的不信任以及性早熟。這些背景人物性格將會(huì)在的故事的展開過程中不斷的得到強(qiáng)化，并且與愛情這個(gè)元素產(chǎn)生矛盾。

 

影片的下一幕依然沒有明顯的時(shí)間信息，而是在艾維與朋友聊天之后安排了一段艾維與安妮的約會(huì)戲。在這一幕的三個(gè)場景中，艾維與安妮都發(fā)生了爭執(zhí)，而原因無外乎是安妮的遲到，艾維忍受不了他人的高談闊論而大發(fā)牢騷惹怒了安妮以及安妮中止了艾維的性前戲。在這一幕中，二人的關(guān)系表現(xiàn)出來的始終都是負(fù)面的價(jià)值，但是由于三個(gè)場景中，安排的是平常事件，這種負(fù)面價(jià)值看上去也僅僅是一種“親描淡寫”。

 

上一幕最后一個(gè)場景中，二人在床上爭執(zhí)談及了艾維的前交往對象愛麗森。便緊接著切到艾維與愛麗森交往的戲。這一幕戲開始于艾維因?yàn)樽约旱淖炱ぷ佣藧埯惿?，結(jié)束于艾維利用自己的“絮絮叨叨”逃避了與愛麗森的性愛。這段很短的戲只是為了交待這樣一個(gè)事實(shí)，而這樣的事實(shí)在這一幕的最后也經(jīng)由艾維的嘴得到證實(shí)：艾維拒絕一個(gè)漂亮的，聰明的女人的原因是他永遠(yuǎn)也不想加入這樣的俱樂部，它的會(huì)員是像他這樣的人。這是艾維最核心的愛情價(jià)值觀，而他敷衍女人的方式，是通過伍迪艾倫最拿手的“絮絮叨叨”。以至于在這樣一個(gè)影片開頭的高明交待之后，接下來的多場艾維與安妮的戲中，每當(dāng)艾維又開始了他的伍迪艾倫式的“絮叨”時(shí)，觀眾都知道他是在“敷衍”或者“拒絕”安妮的。在這里，艾維的“絮叨”一方面是在對抗著與安妮的愛情，另一方面也通過對于悲觀，對于死亡的不斷強(qiáng)化，加深對于艾維這個(gè)人物的塑造。

 

之后，場景切換到了二人家中，同樣是沒有明顯的時(shí)間信息的戲。但是在二人的閑談中，因?yàn)檎劶傲烁髯缘母星槭罚械搅税S與前妻的一場戲，在這場戲中艾維表現(xiàn)了對于各大評論媒體人的蔑視（這是典型的伍迪·艾倫的個(gè)人情緒），而前妻則恰好相反，當(dāng)前妻要求在獨(dú)自在臥室中看比賽的艾維出去和這些媒體人見面的時(shí)候，艾維提出要和前妻在臥室里做愛。前妻的反應(yīng)是艾維是在利用“性”表達(dá)自己的敵意，但是艾維用“為什么你總是把我的動(dòng)物本能，降格到心理分析范疇”精彩的反駁了前妻。這是艾維對于影片中“性觀念”的確定。與上一幕中艾維透露出的真相一起，構(gòu)成了接下來主導(dǎo)他與安妮交往過程中的核心價(jià)值觀。

 

在一場艾維與安妮的做愛被警笛打斷的戲之后，便干凈的切到了艾維與安妮初識(shí)的一場戲，接下來的故事便是好萊塢經(jīng)典的悲劇愛情故事的結(jié)構(gòu)——二人相識(shí)→相戀→感情升溫→出軌→復(fù)合→再次甜蜜→二人不和→分手。但是由于艾維在與安妮的交往過程中是被自己的價(jià)值觀所限制的，導(dǎo)致這段感情故事非常的反類型化。觀眾從二人的相識(shí)到二人的最終和平分手的過程中都沒有意識(shí)到艾維對安妮是有過愛情情愫的。通過無休止的“絮叨”構(gòu)建出的艾維是極端個(gè)人主義以及對于愛情持逃避態(tài)度的。在用大結(jié)構(gòu)控制著艾維對于安妮的感情的同時(shí)，伍迪·艾倫也用了幾個(gè)精彩的技巧來強(qiáng)化。

 

譬如在二人初識(shí)在安妮家陽臺(tái)上對話的那場戲，伍迪通過對于字幕的添加與演員即時(shí)說的話進(jìn)行了對比，于是便產(chǎn)生了強(qiáng)烈的戲劇效果。二人在討論著安妮家中的照片以及其衍生的藝術(shù)性的同時(shí)，安妮擔(dān)憂的是對方會(huì)不會(huì)認(rèn)為自己是傻瓜，而艾維在意的則是很想看到安妮不穿衣服的樣子。完全不一樣的心理活動(dòng)對比會(huì)影響著我們對于影片中人物的評價(jià)，同樣這種手法在影片中多次用到。在與安妮一家就餐的一場戲中，伍迪·艾倫把兩個(gè)不同家庭的就餐場景拼在了一起；同樣在二人和平分手前的一場心理治療的戲，伍迪也把安妮與艾維在心理醫(yī)生面前的表現(xiàn)拼在了一起；包括二人在飛機(jī)上想要想對付坦白自己已經(jīng)不愛對方的時(shí)候的心理活動(dòng)。伍迪并沒有用平行蒙太奇而是進(jìn)行簡單的拼接，觀眾可以清晰的通過這幾場戲看到二人在對待這段感情時(shí)的不同側(cè)重點(diǎn)。

 

當(dāng)這樣的一個(gè)艾維被他的價(jià)值觀以及這樣的影片結(jié)構(gòu)所塑造出來的時(shí)候。伍迪·艾倫用一句：“我想念安妮，我犯了一個(gè)可怕的錯(cuò)誤”來試圖打破他之前的塑造。他安排艾維飛去加州并用艾維絲毫不擅長的“開車”方式去見了安妮。并且在見面的時(shí)候說出了“我考慮我們應(yīng)該結(jié)婚了”。艾維依然自負(fù)的質(zhì)疑著安妮的生活方式，但是安妮卻反擊說艾維就像紐約城一樣，是個(gè)瀕臨死亡的城市，像個(gè)小島，把自己封閉起來。艾維依然認(rèn)為安妮是愛他的，但是安妮失口否認(rèn)（并且通過前幾幕的鋪墊，觀眾也相信安妮的否認(rèn)是真實(shí)的）。之后，二人分別。艾維失魂落魄的撞了車，因?yàn)槊镆暯痪魂P(guān)進(jìn)了監(jiān)獄中，然后被朋友保釋。在這一段，艾維對于安妮的感情有了與之前截然不同的變化。之前的戲份里，艾維對于安妮的感情都是模糊的，被“性”所掩蓋的負(fù)面價(jià)值，但是在高潮戲中，艾維的焦急與失魂落魄則是正面價(jià)值。這樣的不可逆的價(jià)值轉(zhuǎn)變是一個(gè)好故事的基礎(chǔ)。但是截止至此，伍迪依然沒有告訴我們這樣的價(jià)值轉(zhuǎn)變的原因？是艾維真的發(fā)現(xiàn)他犯了一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤，他其實(shí)是愛安妮的，只不過是那些觀念在限制了故事，限制了我們對于影片中感情的認(rèn)識(shí)的同時(shí)，也讓艾維本身沒有認(rèn)識(shí)到自己的感情還是簡單的一種嫉妒情緒和一時(shí)沖動(dòng)。

 

于是伍迪·艾倫“自戀”的讓艾維創(chuàng)作的戲劇的結(jié)尾展現(xiàn)在大銀幕上，復(fù)刻了艾維與安妮的最后一次見面的情況但是改變了結(jié)局（戲劇結(jié)尾中安妮說愛艾維）。影片中對于這一橋段的解釋是：人們總是通過藝術(shù)來創(chuàng)造完美，因?yàn)檎鎸?shí)的生活比較難纏。

 

影片的結(jié)尾是安妮與艾維的再一次相遇，伍迪用了大量的閃回片段，并在最后用長鏡頭和遠(yuǎn)景拍攝著兩人的分別，以及艾維的駐足和離去。畫外音提到了一個(gè)笑話：有一個(gè)人去看精神病醫(yī)生，說：“大夫，我兄弟病了，他以為他自己是只雞?！贬t(yī)生說：“那你為什么不把他帶來？”那家伙說：“我是想帶他來著，可是我需要雞蛋??！”這是現(xiàn)在艾維對于男女之間關(guān)系的感覺——它是完全非理性的，瘋狂的，甚至荒謬的，但是我想我們還是要經(jīng)歷這一切，因?yàn)槲覀兇蠖鄶?shù)人都需要雞蛋。

 

現(xiàn)在我們回頭再來看這部影片。與傳統(tǒng)愛情電影相比，最大的不同在于艾維這個(gè)人物的塑造。我們甚至可以說這個(gè)人物其實(shí)就是伍迪·艾倫本人。在影片中段，安妮出軌離艾維而去之后，艾維歇斯底里的問了三位路人他到底哪里出問題了。有一對看似很幸福的戀人，解釋說他們都很淺薄，空洞，所以幸福。這似乎不僅僅是一種嘲弄。

 

影片開頭的兩個(gè)笑話是艾維或者說伍迪·艾倫本身自己思考后對于生活和愛情的戲謔。其悲觀的原因之一在于說話人的高度個(gè)人主義。在安妮出軌之前，安妮對于伍迪是一種“崇拜式”的愛，伍迪從來不會(huì)因?yàn)榘材荻淖兪裁?，卻一直在灌輸著安妮，以至于在與安妮加州一別后的第一次重逢，發(fā)現(xiàn)安妮又回到了紐約，并且拉著她的男朋友去看《悲傷和憐憫》的時(shí)候還不忘說了一句：這個(gè)我可以算成我的個(gè)人勝跡。影片中不斷的流露出伍迪本身對于好萊塢式秀場的厭惡，以至于艾維被朋友規(guī)勸，被安妮諷刺之后，依然安然于紐約，答案就是安妮所說的：艾維其實(shí)是和紐約一樣的。所以說，盡管伍迪安排了艾維飛往加州挽回安妮的一場戲，卻依然無法改變之前創(chuàng)造出的那個(gè)艾維。矛盾在于影片最后，艾維通過畫外音講述了那個(gè)笑話之后，觀眾感覺到的僅僅是艾維接受了“愛情就像雞蛋一樣，大多數(shù)人都需要它”這一觀點(diǎn)，但是卻還不足以摧毀影片開頭的兩個(gè)悲觀笑話。

 

這是一部悲劇，原因僅僅在于艾維或者說伍迪·艾倫式的愛情矛盾，當(dāng)我們把艾維不再限定為影片人物，甚至伍迪·艾倫本身的時(shí)候。悲劇便成為了一種現(xiàn)象：對于這批人而言，他們必須做出選擇，拋棄個(gè)人主義迎接愛情；亦或是和艾維一樣，在駐足之后，選擇離開。我們往往希望看到的是愛情的完滿，而實(shí)際情況是，這批人其實(shí)更愿意繼續(xù)把自己“困”在紐約。

    我們也該放松放松了。一直看沉悶的電影怎么吃得消呢？那感覺就像面對一臺(tái)有無數(shù)零部件的龐大機(jī)器，你緊緊地盯著它，試圖弄明白一條或幾條生產(chǎn)線的運(yùn)行軌跡，然而齒輪接齒輪，履帶套履帶，最終你完全被這隆隆作響的大家伙繞得暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向，所有的線路在你頭腦里糾結(jié)在一起，成了一團(tuán)再也理不清的亂麻。

    如果你還在堅(jiān)持，那是你不服輸?shù)墓虉?zhí)在作祟。不如讓我們放松一下，轉(zhuǎn)移你的注意力，試試別的電影。你擁有很多不錯(cuò)的選擇:黑幫片，邪典片，現(xiàn)實(shí)主義電影，黑色片，歌舞片，無厘頭喜劇片……當(dāng)然，因?yàn)槟阋幌虮謬?yán)肅的藝術(shù)評判標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，所以你要謹(jǐn)慎對待那些商業(yè)電影，否則一不小心就會(huì)被他們害得惡心，嘔吐，內(nèi)分泌失調(diào)。

    什么？這些沒有你喜歡的？你嘗試著表達(dá)自己的想法，你需要的是那樣一種電影：它表面看上去沒頭沒腦，仿佛就是無意識(shí)地把生活中的片斷拼湊在一起，然而卻有源源不絕的新點(diǎn)子刺激著你；它不要講什么大道理，最好是嬉笑怒罵，插科打諢，但其中要有你所感興趣的生活態(tài)度或處世哲學(xué)；它不必借用任何突兀的效果就能吸引人，并且具有循環(huán)往復(fù)的魔力，當(dāng)它結(jié)束的時(shí)候，你覺得它剛剛開始……

    好了，好了！不用繼續(xù)說下去了。我知道你要的是什么電影。我這里就為了準(zhǔn)備了一部：伍迪·艾倫的《安妮·霍爾》。

    像你這樣的“文藝青年”，是很容易喜歡上一個(gè)怪怪的女孩的，像安妮·霍爾這樣的女孩。她可能不漂亮，不聰明，不靠譜，但是她有趣，這一點(diǎn)很重要。并不是說她會(huì)講笑話，而是說她具有一種特異稟賦——在你說出某些話時(shí)給你美妙回應(yīng)的笨拙技巧。長久以來，你不就是在尋找一個(gè)能聽懂你說話的女孩么？于是你拼命地向她灌輸你那些沒人聽也沒人懂的理論，把你喜歡的東西（可能就是你在豆瓣上選出的書、電影和音樂）一古腦兒推到她面前，希望她藉此發(fā)掘出整個(gè)的你，盡管你本人就在她面前。呵呵，不對啊，你強(qiáng)烈的擺脫孤獨(dú)、建立交流的渴望變異成了偏執(zhí)的控制欲，她理所當(dāng)然地感到疲倦，你對她的疲倦感到失望，然后你們都感到彼此若即若離……上天特意造就的兩個(gè)如此合拍的人，只好就此分道揚(yáng)鑣。當(dāng)孤獨(dú)感再次襲來，你意識(shí)到這個(gè)女孩的寶貴，而你和她的故事，就像生活本身，永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)圓滿。

    很可能你運(yùn)氣不好，從未遇上你的安妮·霍爾，這就越發(fā)證明了生活的不圓滿。你要盤點(diǎn)盤點(diǎn)你自己，看看你是不是有資格成為艾維·辛格。當(dāng)然艾維·辛格會(huì)講笑話，你不會(huì)；或者你會(huì)，但只會(huì)重復(fù)有限的幾個(gè)。這不是關(guān)鍵，關(guān)鍵是你對人生的感覺是沮喪的還是絕望的。艾維·辛格無疑是前者。他像我們的“文藝青年”一樣憤世嫉俗，看什么都不順眼，一肚子牢騷，但他其實(shí)只是在生活中輕微地發(fā)泄，骨子里他是懂得避讓的，否則他只能是絕望的。他被死亡困擾，但他不被自殺困擾，當(dāng)他坐上安妮患自殺妄想癥的弟弟駕駛的汽車，他差點(diǎn)被嚇?biāo)??；钪浅o趣，但還是要活下去，他是這樣一種人。只有對于這樣的人，安妮·霍爾才具有最大的意義。而對于絕望的人，安妮的意義很容易被扭曲或不具有意義。什么？你已經(jīng)絕望了嗎？那么放棄關(guān)于安妮·霍爾的想法吧。你心中的安妮·霍爾只是一個(gè)幻象，其價(jià)值等同于一把手槍或一根繩子。

    我不能重男輕女，你很可能是一個(gè)女孩，那么我打賭你也在等你的艾維·辛格?，F(xiàn)在的女人給我一個(gè)這樣的印象，那就是她們比男人更易于沉醉在一種無聊的生命形式之中。我多么希望世間能有無數(shù)的艾維·辛格，來拯救這些女孩，使她們成為安妮·霍爾；然后這些安妮·霍爾再去拯救男孩，使他們成為艾維·辛格；然后這些艾維·辛格……那樣的話，這個(gè)世界將是艾維·辛格+安妮·霍爾的組合，我也就免了被傻逼們氣炸肺之苦了。我假設(shè)你——一個(gè)有希望成為安妮·霍爾的女孩，現(xiàn)在正徘徊于虛妄與現(xiàn)實(shí)之間，沮喪與麻木之間，哲學(xué)家與豬之間……要之，你處于一個(gè)最需要艾維·辛格的時(shí)刻，然而此時(shí)走到你身邊的男人卻不是艾維·辛格，而是東尼。輕率的女孩啊，你幾乎百分之百地會(huì)立即墮落為一個(gè)平平無奇的女子，從此與成為安妮·霍爾的可能性一刀兩斷。每當(dāng)想到這樣的事情在世界上不停地發(fā)生，我心中便替每一個(gè)你感到無限惋惜。假如此事發(fā)生在一個(gè)男孩身上，他卻不會(huì)因此斷絕成為艾維·辛格的可能啊。

    既然我已經(jīng)開始想象你是一個(gè)女孩，那么我便無法停下來，我堅(jiān)定地認(rèn)為你就是那樣一個(gè)女孩，你處在無數(shù)個(gè)東尼的層層包圍之中，時(shí)刻面臨淪陷的危險(xiǎn)。我迫不及待地想要見到你，救你脫離苦海，我的人雖然坐在這里敲鍵盤，但我的心早已擠過電頻掃描的閘門進(jìn)入電腦顯示器，穿過叢林一般的電路板，進(jìn)入我的網(wǎng)線，然后架著電子訊號飛速駛過千千萬萬條網(wǎng)線縱橫交錯(cuò)的高速公路網(wǎng)，拐進(jìn)你那條獨(dú)一無二卓爾不群的網(wǎng)路，趕在你關(guān)機(jī)之前跳到你面前……可是不行，我要先完成這篇文章。我本來打算介紹一下《安妮·霍爾》這部電影的，然而說了半天卻等于什么都沒說。極有可能偶爾看到這篇文章的你已看過這部電影，或者至少了解這部電影，因?yàn)闆]看過或不了解它的人又怎會(huì)被“安妮·霍爾”這個(gè)干巴巴的名字吸引呢？既如此，我再說下去還有什么意義呢？你需要靠你自己的理解力和辨別力去感受這部電影，去買來看吧！不管花什么價(jià)錢，這部電影會(huì)讓你感覺物有所值的。

    不，現(xiàn)在別急著出門，女孩！把電腦開著。我敲完這最后幾個(gè)字，就飛過去和你相會(huì)??！

伍迪·艾倫真能說呀，我聽都聽得口干舌燥。許多橋段反復(fù)看過幾遍。至少有十次，伍迪·艾倫惹得我驚呼我操，捶床大笑。邊看邊記錄其中的臺(tái)詞，一部90分鐘的電影我看完花去至少200分鐘。
記錄的一些臺(tái)詞：
　　
—我沒來例假。每次我稍微有點(diǎn)不對勁，你就說我來例假了！
—你還可以再喊得響一點(diǎn)，我想那邊還有一位沒聽見。

—我真希望現(xiàn)在手里有一只裝滿了馬糞的大襪套。

—你剛才說“我們的性生活有問題”是什么意思？對于一個(gè)在布魯克林長大的人來說，我還是比較正常的。
—非常抱歉，是我的性生活有問題，行了吧？我的性生活有問題！
—啊咳！我沒讀過那個(gè)，那是亨利·詹姆斯的小說，對嗎？是《螺絲在旋緊》的續(xù)篇？《我的性生活》？

—我正在做我的學(xué)位論文。
—論題是什么？
—“二十世紀(jì)文學(xué)的政治任務(wù)”。
—這么說你屬于紐約猶太人、左翼自由派知識(shí)分子、住在中央公園西街、上布蘭德斯大學(xué)、參加社會(huì)主義夏令營、經(jīng)常罷工、父親喜歡本·肖恩的畫，對嗎？……如果你覺得我像個(gè)十足的白癡，你盡可以打斷我。

—有意思的是，我曾和艾森豪威爾班子里的一位女士約會(huì)過，時(shí)間不長。在我看來這真是很滑稽，因?yàn)槲蚁胍獙λ龅氖拢前劳栐谶^去八年里一直對這個(gè)國家做的。

—林登·約翰遜。
—林登·約翰遜？林登·約翰遜是個(gè)政客！你知道那些家伙的道德觀，他們比兒童騷擾犯還要低一個(gè)檔次。
—那么每一個(gè)人都參與了陰謀？聯(lián)邦調(diào)查局、中央情報(bào)局、約翰·埃德加·胡佛，還有石油公司、五角大樓，再加白宮衛(wèi)生間里的服務(wù)生？
—我看衛(wèi)生間里的服務(wù)生可以排除掉。

—我真受夠了整晚和那些干“痢疾”活的人進(jìn)行假惺惺的探討。
—干“評論”活的人。
—哦，是嗎？我怎么聽說“評論”和“異議”已經(jīng)合并成了“痢疾”？

—兩分鐘前，尼克斯隊(duì)還領(lǐng)先14分，可現(xiàn)在他們只領(lǐng)先2分了。
—艾爾維，一幫子腦垂體變異的怪胎忙活著將一只圓球塞進(jìn)一個(gè)鐵圈子里究竟有什么吸引人的呢？
—吸引人的地方在于這是體力活。而有關(guān)智力的往往是，知識(shí)分子看起來很才華橫溢，實(shí)際上卻狗屁不通。所以，身體從不口是心非。
　　
—（求歡未遂）為什么你總是把我的動(dòng)物本能降格到心理分析的范疇？

—你網(wǎng)球打得很棒，但是你的車開得是我這輩子見到過的最糟的。在任何地方都是最糟的，歐洲，英國，任何地方，亞洲。不過我喜歡你的穿著。

—這條領(lǐng)帶是格萊美·霍爾給我的禮物。
—誰？格萊美？誰是格萊美·霍爾？
—是我的格萊美奶奶。
—怎么回事？難道你是在諾曼·羅克威爾的畫中長大的嗎？你的格萊美奶奶？

—希爾薇婭·普拉斯，很有個(gè)性的女詩人，她的自殺悲劇在一些大學(xué)女生們看來居然很浪漫。
—她的有些詩看上去很優(yōu)雅。
—優(yōu)雅？我不得不提醒你現(xiàn)在是1975年。你知道，優(yōu)雅在本世紀(jì)初就已經(jīng)消亡了。

—（內(nèi)心獨(dú)白）天哪，我的話聽上去像是調(diào)頻廣播。放松點(diǎn)！

—你星期五晚上有事嗎？
—我？（驚喜）哦，沒有！
—噢，對不起，等等，我有事！星期六晚上呢？
—沒有，沒有。

—你知道嗎？我甚至沒上過這方面的課。
—聽著，聽著，吻我一下。
—真的嗎？
—為什么不？因?yàn)槲覀儠?huì)呆到很晚才回家，是嗎？我們還沒有接過吻，所有總有些不自在，我會(huì)一直在想該什么時(shí)候吻你之類。所以我們現(xiàn)在吻一下，就可以克服緊張，然后我們就可以去吃飯了，行嗎？（接吻）
—好了，現(xiàn)在我們可以去消化食物了。

—（做愛后）就像巴爾扎克說的：“這是一部新的小說。”
—很棒是吧？
—很棒？是的，豈止很棒，這簡直是我獲得的不發(fā)出笑聲的最大樂趣了。
　　
—（吸大麻）吸一口？
—不，我不用任何致幻藥。因?yàn)槲乙郧拔^一次，大概五年前在一次聚會(huì)上。
—結(jié)果呢？
—結(jié)果是我試圖把我的褲子從頭上脫下來，卡在我的一只耳朵上了。

—我的公寓很小。
—我知道它很小。
—而且水管壞了，還有很多蟲子。
—水管壞了，很多蟲子，聽起來好像是壞事似的。你知道蟲子是……昆蟲學(xué)是一門正在快速發(fā)展的學(xué)科。
—你不愿意我和你住在一起？
—我不愿意你和我住在一起？誰這樣想的？
—我。
—事實(shí)上是你這樣想的，但是，我也立刻同意了。

—你不會(huì)想讓我們看起來像是結(jié)婚了吧？
—有什么區(qū)別嗎？
—你有你的住處，那么就是有區(qū)別。因?yàn)樗谀莾?，盡管我們可以不去住，可以不去管它，但是它就像一只在水面上漂著的救生筏，有了它，我們就知道我們沒有結(jié)婚。

—那混蛋教《西方男人的當(dāng)代危機(jī)》，這都是什么垃圾課程啊，簡直令人難以置信！
—是《俄國文學(xué)中的存在主義主題》好不好？你說的真靠譜啊！
—有什么區(qū)別嗎？反正都是一些精神上的自瀆。
—噢，是啊，我們終于聊到你有所了解的題目了！
—咳，別貶低自瀆！那是和我愛的人做愛。

—你知道，在我很小的時(shí)候，我就總是找錯(cuò)女人，我想我的問題就出在這里。當(dāng)我媽媽帶我去看《白雪公主》的時(shí)候，人人都愛上了白雪公主，而我卻對刻毒的皇后一見傾心。

—快看！上帝從男洗手間出來了。

—蜘蛛在哪兒？在衛(wèi)生間？
—在衛(wèi)生間。……咳，別拍得稀爛。打死以后，用水沖進(jìn)馬桶，多沖兩次。
—親愛的，我從三十歲起就開始?xì)⒅┲肓耍判牧藛幔?br>
—我想讓你看看我的房子，我住在休·海弗納的隔壁，麥克斯，他允許我用他的水流按摩浴缸。還有女人，麥克斯，她們都和《花花公子》里的女郎一樣，所不同的是她們的手腳都會(huì)動(dòng)。
—我無法相信這真的是貝弗莉山莊。天哪，這兒真干凈。
—那是因?yàn)檫@里的人不扔垃圾，他們把垃圾都扔進(jìn)電視節(jié)目里去了。

—現(xiàn)在它只是一個(gè)想法，我想我可以弄到錢把它變成一個(gè)概念，然后再把它轉(zhuǎn)變成一種思想。

—哪一個(gè)？
—那個(gè)有“見褲線”的。
—“見褲線”？
—看得見內(nèi)褲的線。麥克斯，她太漂亮了。
—是呀，她得10分，對你來說太重要了，因?yàn)槟憷鲜钦抑挥?分的，不是嗎？
—我沒找過只有2分的，麥克斯。
—你習(xí)慣于找那種手里拎著購物袋、臉上戴著醫(yī)生用的大口罩、嘴里嘟嘟囔囔地走過中央公園的姑娘。
—瞧，這一對怎么樣？
—我想她正朝我這邊看。
—要是她過來的話，麥克斯，我的腦袋瓜會(huì)變成鱷梨醬的。
—我來應(yīng)付……嗨！

—艾爾維，讓我們面對現(xiàn)實(shí)吧。你知道，我不認(rèn)為我們的關(guān)系會(huì)有出路。
—我知道，這種關(guān)系我認(rèn)為就像一條鯊魚，它必須不停地往前游，否則就會(huì)死掉。我認(rèn)為在我們手里的，是一條已經(jīng)死掉了的鯊魚。

—這本《麥田里的守望者》是誰的？
—如果有我的名字在上面，那么我猜就是我的。
—當(dāng)然有，你在我所有的書上都寫上了你的名字，因?yàn)槟懔系搅诉@一天遲早會(huì)來。
—聽著，所有有關(guān)死亡的書都是你的，所有有關(guān)詩歌的書都是我的。
—這本《拒絕死亡》你還記得嗎？這是我給你買的第一本書。
—噢，上帝，是的。天哪，我感到我背后的負(fù)擔(dān)減輕了很多。
—多謝了，親愛的。

—咳，這個(gè)是我的，這顆徽章，還記得嗎？……我想，這些都是你的，“彈劾艾森豪威爾”“彈劾尼克松”“彈劾林登·約翰遜”“彈劾羅納德·里根”……

—再一次見到安妮，我真的很高興。我意識(shí)到她是一個(gè)多么好的人，能認(rèn)識(shí)她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那個(gè)老笑話，你知道，有個(gè)家伙去看精神病醫(yī)生，他說：“大夫，我兄弟瘋了，他以為他自己是一只雞。”醫(yī)生說：“那你怎么不把他帶來？”那家伙說：“我是想帶他來的，可是我需要雞蛋呀?！蹦憧?，我想這就是現(xiàn)在我對男女之間關(guān)系的感覺，你知道，它是完全非理性的、瘋狂的，甚至荒謬的，但是我想我們還一直要經(jīng)歷這一切，因?yàn)槲覀兇蠖鄶?shù)人都需要雞蛋。