" Either peace or happiness, let it enfold you.

When I was a young man I felt that these things were dumb, unsophisticated.

I had bad blood, a twisted mind, a precarious upbringing.

I was hard as granite. I leered at the sun. I trusted no man and especially no woman. I was living a hell in small rooms. I broke things, smashed things, walked through glass cursed. I challenged everything was continually being evicted, jailed, in and out of fights, in and out of my mind.

Women were something to screw and rail at

I had no male friends. I changed jobs and cities. I hated hoildays, babies, history, newspapers, museums, grandmothers, marriage, movie, Spiders, garbagemen, English accents, Spain, France, Italy, walnuts and color orange.

Algebra angered me. Opera sickened me.Charlie Chaplin was a fake. And flowers were for pansies.

Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, tenants of the weak and addled mind. But as I went on with my alley fights, my suicidal years, my passage through any number of women, it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different from the others, I was the same.

They were all fulsome with hatred, glossed over with petty grievances.

The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone.

Everybody was nudging, inching, cheating for some insignificant advantage.

The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. Darkness was the dictator.

Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. I found moments of peace in cheap rooms just staring at the knobs of some dresser or listening to the rain in the dark.

The less I needed, the better I felt.

Maybe the other life had worn me down. I no longer found glamour in topping somebody in conversation or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female whose life had slipped away into sorrow.

I could never gobble down all its poisons. But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, open for the asking.

I reformulated. I don't know when-- date, time, all that-- but the change occured.

Something in the relaxed, smoothed out. I no longer had to prove that I was a man. I didn't have to prove anything.

I began to see things. Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. Or the way the mouse on my dresser top stopped there, really stopped there, with its body, its ears, its nose.

It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. Then it was gone.

I began to feel good. I began to feel good in the most situations, and there were plenty of those. Like say, the boss behind his desk.

He is going to have to fire me. I've missed too many days.He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. He says, ' I am going to have to let you go.' 'It's all right, ' I tell him.

He must do what he must do. He has a wife, a house, children, expenses, most probably a girlfriend. I'm sorry for him. He's caught.

I walk out into the blazing sunshine. The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow.

The whole world is at the throat of the world. Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. Everybody is despondent, disillusioned.

I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. I remember that stuff like the hottest number, like high heels, breasts, singing, the works.

Don't get me wrong, there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism that overlooks all basic problems just for the sake of itself.

This is a shield and a sickness. The knife got near my throat again. I almost turned on the gas again.

But when the good moments arrived again, I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary.

I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. I bade them welcome home. I even looked into the mirror once having thought myself to be ugly.

I now liked what I saw. Almost handsome . Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. Scars, lumps, odd turns. But all in all, not too bad.

Almost hadsome.

Better at least than some of those movie star faces like the cheeks of a baby's butt.

And finally I discovered real feelings for others, unheralded.

Like lately, like this morning, as I was leaving for the tracks, I saw my wife in bed, just the shape of her head there, covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there.

Not forgetting centuries of living and the dead and the dying, the pyramids, Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, weeds growing, the Earth turning, the tote board waiting for me.

I saw the shape or my wife's head, she so still. I ached for her life, just being there under the covers.

I kissed her on forehead, got down the stairway, got outside, got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, backed out the drive.

Feeling warm to the fingertips, dowm to my foot on the gas pedal, I entered the world once more, drove down the hill past the house full and empty of people.

I saw the mailman, honked. He waved back at me."

漂亮男孩 (2018)

6.2

2018 / 美國 / 劇情 / 菲力斯·范·古寧根 / 史蒂夫·卡瑞爾 提莫西·查拉梅

這部電影適合全家人去看，因?yàn)槟憧赐曛竽銜?huì)覺得特別好看，你也會(huì)讓你的孩子徹底認(rèn)識(shí)到毒品對(duì)一個(gè)人的危害多大，它不僅僅會(huì)壞掉，你還會(huì)壞掉你全家搞得你家破人亡，這就是毒品的危害，管怎么樣？我覺得禁毒是肯定是一定要進(jìn)行到底的，因?yàn)槎酒返奈：?shí)在是太可怕了，他可以把一個(gè)本來品學(xué)兼優(yōu)的男生給毀掉了!

電影音樂很棒。

1. Nic情況有所好轉(zhuǎn)以后回家，爸爸在他睡覺的時(shí)候唱著Beautiful Boy的搖籃曲。一開始聲音開得小，我還以為那是個(gè)無聲鏡頭，直到父親回憶Nic小時(shí)候在機(jī)場(chǎng)跟他告別時(shí)BGM變大我才聽到。讓我很驚喜的細(xì)節(jié)是歌曲不光是約翰列儂的原唱，還有演員的聲音，仿佛那首搖籃曲從Nic小時(shí)候唱到了現(xiàn)在。而我也終于聽到了那句早在預(yù)料之中的“I love you more than evergthing”。

2. Nic在公路上開車的經(jīng)典鏡頭，背景音樂是我稱之為公路音樂最佳的Heart of Gold。

3. 如果說前半段的Nic是在混沌中墮落，他在clear一年多之后的復(fù)吸就是清醒著墮落。當(dāng)他和女生一起墮落著的時(shí)候，音樂卻是如此浪漫與緩和，仿佛這種沉淪是世上最美的事情。最后Nic想要結(jié)束生命那一段，凄美緩慢的女高同樣安詳而寧靜。

4. Nic和女生開車逃出家，繼母流著淚開車跟在后面，像是追趕，卻沒過多久又停了下來。但原來她不是在追，而是在驅(qū)趕。之前父親說要去找兒子的時(shí)候，她憤怒地希望丈夫be responsible，當(dāng)時(shí)沒看懂，原來她希望丈夫放棄這個(gè)可能給自己孩子帶來負(fù)面影響的哥哥，而她的驅(qū)逐也是想要讓Nic遠(yuǎn)離年幼的孩子。不得不說挺絕的。

其實(shí)感覺整部電影都是那種節(jié)奏緩慢而充滿回憶的，真好像吸了一大口drug而變得飄飄然。看其他影評(píng)才知道電影參考了父親和兒子分別寫的兩本回憶錄，這也解釋了為什么前半段是父親的視角為主、而后半段是Nic為主。

要不是看到片尾對(duì)現(xiàn)實(shí)中的主角后來人生的敘述，單是電影結(jié)尾給我的感覺沒那么充滿希望。因?yàn)榉捶磸?fù)復(fù)多少次，總是以為他徹底clear了、與父親做了堅(jiān)定的保證了、被當(dāng)作戒毒成功的典范了，最后又是新一輪的絕望，好像永無止境，像顆定時(shí)炸彈。但是總歸會(huì)結(jié)束的吧。

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

I love you more than everything.

伴隨著影片最后八分鐘的落幕和音樂，我很想表達(dá)一下我對(duì)這部電影的喜愛！

首先，當(dāng)我看到十分鐘左右的時(shí)候，我就已經(jīng)很懷疑豆瓣上的這個(gè)評(píng)分，看到后來我越來越不服氣這個(gè)評(píng)分，我去IMDb上去搜了評(píng)分——7.3，要知道甜茶同樣出演的《call me》在IMDb上也只有7.9的評(píng)分。因此，豆瓣上一些大V頂著流量的旗號(hào)，影響著一大批觀影者的評(píng)判，當(dāng)然不少時(shí)候我也是我剛剛說的那樣，是一個(gè)被影響者。

電影的攝影構(gòu)圖絕對(duì)是精心的，我截了幾張我很喜歡的圖片。攝影一直保持著高水準(zhǔn)的構(gòu)圖，有黃金分割，有中軸對(duì)稱，整個(gè)畫面一直都保持著很舒服的狀態(tài)。

配樂是豐滿的，雖然有幾個(gè)片段顯得故意了一點(diǎn)，honestly，但整部電影的配樂是讓我融入情緒的重要配件。重金屬搖滾和親和鋼琴，還有促進(jìn)情緒的配樂，都很能借助音樂表達(dá)情緒。

再說剪輯手法，個(gè)人而言我很受用時(shí)空交疊的描述方式，因?yàn)楫?dāng)這樣的手法是文字寫在書上的時(shí)候，是會(huì)引起無盡的想象的。當(dāng)然有一兩個(gè)地方，這種剪輯用過了，造成了理解上的些些偏差。

很多童年片段的重演，是導(dǎo)演對(duì)人生前后的差別表達(dá)，也是劇情的一部分。

文學(xué)與藝術(shù)方面，詩歌的介入，搖滾樂的介入，小團(tuán)體懺悔式的自述的介入，無不都在掀起一些列的情緒波瀾，電影的價(jià)值是在無形中被賦予的。

很多人覺得這部電影，劇本太弱，甚至有說它是一部「禁毒宣傳片」。我個(gè)人的感覺是，如果不去真的用情感帶入，應(yīng)該會(huì)很難理解情節(jié)上的反復(fù)重復(fù)；而且一再突出的「禁毒宣傳」讓他們情感上很難平靜得去融入電影里。

劇本不弱，情感線更不弱！父子之間的感情線，從童年講述起，一路貫穿成長。非要在這樣的電影里講述一個(gè)動(dòng)人的感情故事嗎？非要像尋親那樣悲鳴嗎？父親的信任變化與情感變化，是寫實(shí)的；繼母的情感也是真實(shí)的！

說起情感，難道，桌子上那封寫給「漂亮男孩」的信，所要傳遞的，不夠嗎？沖浪的回憶對(duì)比，不夠嗎？寫作在整部電影里出現(xiàn)的意義，與充滿黑暗色彩的日記本，不夠嗎？不能夠揭露內(nèi)心嗎？

說到寫作，我很明白，一個(gè)擅長或忠于寫作的人，是能夠從寫作中找到解脫的。這也是為什么電影總是在強(qiáng)調(diào)Nic需要寫作，寫作是一個(gè)人得到解脫，最廉價(jià)也最昂貴的方式，昂貴在很多人不愿意借助文字表達(dá)內(nèi)心。

我喜歡這部電影！我覺得這個(gè)評(píng)分大家給的太低了！

我大膽猜測(cè)大家評(píng)分只有三星的主要原因是，大家不愛這個(gè)題材，覺得毒品電影就應(yīng)該拍成《湄公河行動(dòng)》？？？

應(yīng)該沒有人會(huì)看，但求生欲強(qiáng)，我先聲明下，以下僅代表個(gè)人當(dāng)時(shí)的所以所想，用了一些英文只是最近英文電影看多了，有點(diǎn)點(diǎn)英文的思維，用錯(cuò)了勿怪，我只是四級(jí)以下的水平。

另外，甜茶真的很帥，而且演技一絕，我看過好幾部他的電影了，每個(gè)角色都是獨(dú)立的，完全不會(huì)串戲，這點(diǎn)太牛批了

我還是最愛elio啊

——————

一邊看豆瓣里的解釋一邊看的，怎么說捏，nic真的令人很心痛吧，像我這種平常人看到一個(gè)吸毒的只會(huì)認(rèn)為他沒救了，覺得他是咎由自取。

其實(shí)想了下，像我這種之前覺得酒精很好，喝了酒會(huì)high，會(huì)很興奮，喜歡喝酒。然后終于有一次年會(huì)上喝了很多紅酒，在酒店半夜趴在床上頭痛欲穿之后，再也不想喝酒了。我會(huì)想，為了high一時(shí)，而后面自己這么痛苦，我寧愿不high了。確實(shí)哈，我平常生活富足，童年沒什么大事件，家庭穩(wěn)定且美滿，現(xiàn)在bf對(duì)我非常好，公司和同事也不算沒良心，有朋友可以交流，有家可歸等等，縱使肯定會(huì)有生活的不愉快，但也可以go through。實(shí)在是不需要酒精去一時(shí)地麻痹自己，get high for a while。

所以看了這個(gè)第一次感受到：或許啊，有些人真的因?yàn)榻?jīng)歷過某些事，心里有著巨大的空虛。這些事情真的不是因?yàn)樗麄冏鲥e(cuò)了什么才，而且他根本沒得選擇的去server it。他真的不是咎由自取，他真的不是不想樂觀向上。反過來他們是太想樂觀、太想積極了，才會(huì)導(dǎo)致生病，得了抑郁癥之類的心理疾病吧。生病了之后，自己沒辦法調(diào)節(jié)，就更加更加地低落，形成了一個(gè)負(fù)反饋、死循環(huán)了。

其實(shí)我曾經(jīng)有一個(gè)好朋友，她也得了類似的病。她高考前在學(xué)校遭受校園暴力，高考后父母離異（就是有種你終于上大學(xué)的感覺，現(xiàn)在回想起來，想必離異前已經(jīng)家庭破碎、經(jīng)常爭(zhēng)吵了），在大學(xué)時(shí)也過的不咋滴。像我這種他們身邊的人，在看這電影之前其實(shí)是很難理解他們?yōu)槭裁磿?huì)這樣，為什么她就得病了，我會(huì)覺得我平常也會(huì)有難過啊，我自己也不是總是很開心啊。

在知道她得病之后，我真的很想對(duì)她好，同時(shí)不知道該怎么對(duì)她好。不想感動(dòng)自己，我是真的想do something nice to her。我查了很多，知乎啊、豆瓣啊等等。看了很多電影，比如余文樂的那個(gè)、legal high男主角的那個(gè)等等，還是沒有得到答案。仍然是無法理解，不知怎么樣做才算是對(duì)她好。

其實(shí)我自己某些時(shí)候也會(huì)有某些時(shí)間段不開心到快要抑郁的狀態(tài)，但最后由于我的家庭啊、還有things getting better等因素，拯救了我。我就以那時(shí)候，我自己快要抑郁的感覺去理解她。（但應(yīng)該還是遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不夠吧）

采用對(duì)待她的方法是當(dāng)她像是平常人一樣，她愿意說的時(shí)候，我盡量耐心聆聽的那種。

最后，也就是現(xiàn)在，我還是失敗了。她對(duì)我很失望，我們也絕交了，不再是朋友了。

但是，你知道嗎，秋千，今天我好像又進(jìn)一步了解你多了一點(diǎn)。祝福你，希望你身體健康，平安喜樂吧。我之前跟你說過，但你不相信的，你在我心里的位置永遠(yuǎn)是best friend，其他人都不及你。

唉，其實(shí)我也覺得絕交了也不是不好吧，我也只是一個(gè)普通人，我有我自己生活和煩惱，我沒有辦法把生活的重心放在你那，我可能真的不能幫到你什么吧。

回歸電影，我真的不想生孩子，更別說是多個(gè)孩子了，我連家里兩只貓的關(guān)系都沒辦法平衡、平等地處理，更別說人了。

（擼了生肉）

茶老師的演技真的太厲害 不得不說整個(gè)電影確實(shí)很亂很沒有重點(diǎn)又冗長，bgm也 莫名其妙 但是茶老師的part真的讓人看到心疼，literally心疼，把Nic的絕望和掙扎都表現(xiàn)的很真實(shí)，還有吸完毒的狀態(tài)也拿捏的很到位 茶老師前途無量

—————————二刷分割線———————— ?第一次看的時(shí)候感覺配樂簡直是生硬到不可理喻，二刷反而覺得配樂有種戲謔的效果（比如David嘗試病毒的時(shí)候以及歌詞和劇情的對(duì)應(yīng)）

?David口口聲聲說他想要understand Nic，但他想要了解的只是他想像的Nic（所謂的beautiful boy）

?David做了那么多的研究去了解毒品，但是卻從來沒有試著去了解他的兒子

?Nic有那么多次都向David發(fā)出了求救的信號(hào)但是David每次都遲鈍到直接忽略這些，然后再把所有的事都怪在Nic身上，就像他是一個(gè)完全盡職盡責(zé)的家長。David確實(shí)像Nic所說的，有很強(qiáng)的控制欲，他一直去“努力”的很大原因也是出于他沒能成功地掌控局面（掌控他的兒子）

?Nic太敏感了太脆弱了，他一直一直都想得到爸爸（家人）的愛和關(guān)心（"I want them to be proud of me."），一直都想要一個(gè)家一個(gè)safe place，David的新家庭對(duì)Nic來說并不是安慰而是刺激因?yàn)榈艿苊妹脗兊纳钊撬辉玫揭膊粫?huì)再得到的，他也根本無法融入根本無法在任何地方找到歸宿感（爸爸從來沒有真正試著去理解他，房間被堆滿雜物，"be invited"），所以他只能把自己藏起來，自己去填補(bǔ)他一直渴望但是又得不到的東西（因?yàn)闆]有能力改變現(xiàn)實(shí)所以干脆逃離現(xiàn)實(shí)）

?這部電影其實(shí)說僅僅是關(guān)于毒癮也許不太準(zhǔn)確，我覺得更多的是Nic的心理疾?。ㄒ钟舭Y甚至是躁郁癥），家庭是誘因，吸毒是結(jié)果（茶老師說過why不是重點(diǎn)但是我覺得why才是真的重點(diǎn)）

?二刷之后看懂了很多，不知道真實(shí)世界里的Nic怎么樣了，但是希望他是真的填補(bǔ)了自己心里的big black hole（雖然覺得很不可能……）